How To Love Yourself Overcome Self Hate Improve Self Esteem

How to Love Yourself - Overcoming low self-esteem & self-hate

and learning how to forgive yourself and move on with your life

Trying to function day to day with low self esteem is like trying to blow up a balloon with a pin hole in it. It is like we are moving one step forward then one step back. This can be changed. This site is going to focus on what you can do right now about overcoming low self esteem. Let's get started!

You have to view and think about yourself differently. You have to re-learn new thoughts. You have to give your mind a destination point. Without a destination who knows where you'll end up? Ask yourself 'What does it feel like to love and care about myself'?' Your mind over time will give you the answer. Ask this in prayer as it is God's will that you love yourself and others. Now you have all the power of the universe along with your own powerful mind working together. 'What does it feel like to love and care about myself' will be obscured right now but it will come into focus as time goes by. It will get easier!

Let's look at your thoughts right now: You are probably masking your low self esteem by over compensating. Simply, you think you need to be better than others to be a worthwhile person. You probably don't even know you're doing it because; a) you've been doing it so long, b) it happens so fast and automatically in your mind c) you get a reward - you feel good for the moment, d) you are operating out of a false sense of yourself - a facade, and e) you're substituting loving and kind words for yourself with criticisms and judgements. And so the cycle continues.

This is the ultimate paradox: People who lack self esteem, think they have to be great, powerful, strong, better, perfect.... well you get the idea. The paradox is; that to love yourself, you do not have to think you have to be great, but just the opposite. We have to strive to be humble yet not self-effacing. Confident and self-assured yet not cocky or arrogant. You have to concentrate on how HUMAN you are, how vulnerable you are, how innocent, loveable, pure, imperfect and average you are. These thoughts will seem scary to you because you think that being average, human and imperfect will confirm your worst nightmare which is your conscious or unconscious perception that you are weak and lack self-worth. Thinking of yourself as innocent, pure and loveable may also feel alien to you but it will come back to you - it is your natural state, the real you.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Each of us is unique both in person and in situation. Comparing ourselves to the success of others is faulty. Dr. Charles Whitman explains "Others may be ahead of us because they had better models and got to practice more when they were young. Keep telling your child (yourself - you're inner child) that he lacks skills because no one has taught them to him. He often thinks that people have succeeded because of some “magical power.”

You also need to have compassion for yourself. Self compassion is empathy. It is the ability to identify with ourselves. Self compassion is understanding that our actions are based on the fact that we are trying to do the best we can to survive, that we are imperfect and that we have reasons for our behaviour. Self compassion allows us to stop judging ourselves based on this knowledge. Now we have to learn what self compassion feels like. What would it feel like to have feelings of compassion for yourself? Self compassion is having tender loving feelings, feelings of innocence and vulnerability for yourself as described earlier. Feelings of child like love for yourself. When you concentrate on these feelings for yourself, it will start to grow. It is the beginning of a new life for yourself. Ultimately, you want to change the faulty beliefs that you are unworthy, bad and shameful. Erroneous beliefs you learned in childhood Bringing these faulty beliefs into consciousness and replacing them with more compassionate thoughts is the beginning of growth.

People who live a life of healthy self esteem lived markedly different lives from those who suffer low self esteem. There is only one thing that separates the two and that is NOT money, good looks, a good job, a perfect body etc. The only difference is that the person with a healthy sense of self is more compassionate with themselves. This allows them not to be as hard on themselves, to set realistic goals, to not live by unreasonable rules or expectations from others or themselves, to know that they don't need to win every time to feel good about themselves. They are modest, humble people that know they don't have to prove anything to anybody to have self worth. This lackadaisical attitude does not make them lazy, on the contrary, it puts less pressure on them so they are able to perform better. You see this is the paradox; people who suffer low self esteem are constantly trying to be better (over compensate) because deep down they feel like they are not good enough the way they are. Why don't you feel good enough? Are you really that bad? Of course you're not! Self compassion allows you to get rid of these high standards and recover your self esteem.

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So lets take time again and concentrate on self compassion. Remember, self compassion is thinking of yourself with child like love, gentleness, innocence and vulnerability. Self compassion is the best way to boost your self esteem and self worth. Now sit down and get comfortable, close your eyes and start to think loving thoughts about yourself. Repeat self compassionate statements like, "loveable, gentle, innocent me". Repeat it. When you begin to get loving images of yourself - MAGNIFY these images and the feelings it creates. Each time you do this exercise, it will get easier because you are training this area and pathway in the brain.

Self judgement and criticizing yourself will get in the way of self compassion. You need to be conscious of the criticisms and judgements you make about yourself. These have been so common and automatic for you that you probably don't even realize that your doing it. The judgemental part of yourself is said to be the ego which acts like a mean adult to a child. Whenever you start judging yourself, stop and substitute it with a self compassionate statement. You can write out a list of compassionate affirmations and memorize them. Whatever words work best for you.

Let's talk about the inner child. We all have an inner child. It is the emotional, feelings part of us that is playful, child like and innocent etc. It is also referred to as our real self. We develop a false sense (also called ego) because abuse, trauma and self- criticisms (inner critic). We all need to hear from our inner child no matter how old we are. A simple analogy would be a parent (the inner critic) who constantly criticizes his child (inner child). After years of criticism, the child stops talking for fear of criticism. This results in the erosion of our identity, the need to please others and trying to get approval from others. We develop a false self that thinks it is protecting us from our real self which is our feelings. The false self doesn't want to feel those feelings. But we need to feel those feelings (in a safe supportive, atmosphere).

Many of us as children, grew up with false beliefs about ourselves. Beliefs that we are bad, shameful, unimportant. These erroneous beliefs are still within us and are poisoning our lives. We have to connect with that inner child (feelings) and learn to be a good parent to ourselves. The mistreatment we suffered as children and adolescents were not our faults. We can now lay the blame where it belongs - to those who abused or mistreated us. (we do this symbolically - it is not advised to confront parents or other abusers). Once you begin the process of re-parenting as it were, you will begin to recover your joy in living. A burden will be lifted. Inner Child healing is of the utmost importance, especially as we take into account the words of our Lord when He said, "Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 18:3

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Some individuals may think that being powerful comes from being tough or presenting with a cold exterior. That is the ego part of our personality talking. But only true power comes from within. The power I'm talking about is self compassion and compassion for others. Some people may think of this as weakness but that's just plain wrong. There is true power in compassion. People that live their lives with compassion have an unshakeable confidence yet they are very humble.

This will not happen overnight. You can't just go from self hate to self love. You will more likely go from self hate to liking yourself to eventually loving yourself. This is a process that will take time but like a snowball going down a hill gains momentum, so will self compassion. Go easy and stop judging yourself. Give yourself time. Learn self compassionate statements and concentrate on the feelings these statements create, then magnify the feelings and images. Practice this! You want the feelings to grow in intensity. This will get easier as your brain learns this new feeling. A feeling that has been alien to you for a long time. Remember; when we have feelings, it is our inner child trying to speak to us. Listen to and ask what the inner child needs. Then act.

As previously mentioned, self esteem has got nothing to do with looks or money or prestige but everything to do with how self compassionate we are and how we treat ourselves. It is our thoughts about ourselves that determine who we are - not anybody else's. Only your thoughts and feelings can influence you. We are not our looks. Our physical appearance is not who we are. If you look in the mirror and then walk away; don't you forget about what you look like a couple of minutes later? You cannot be critical of your body and expect to love yourself. Go easy on yourself. Your body is not who you are. You are responsible for it and have control over your behaviour but your true essence is in you - what makes you - you.

Adolescents can be a time when we are especially hypersensitive and critical of our appearance and it is important to remember that we are not alone and that others feel the same way we do. We may have people in our lives that are over critical of our appearance or we may also be trying desperately to "fit in." Don't let others define you.

We are responsible for treating ourselves with love and compassion. Some individuals are waiting around to get the love and approval they didn't receive from a parent or significant person in their lives. Accept that you won't get it. What you need to do, is to give yourself all that love and approval. Don't wait around for somebody else to give you what you need - give it to yourself. Yes, you can give yourself all the love you didn't receive from a parent. We eventually grow up to be our own parents anyway.

We must not try to deny that we are vulnerable. Our vulnerability is what makes us human. We are all imperfect beings, trying to find our way in this world. There is real suffering in the world. It's this suffering we all have in common. I'm not talking about pity which turns us into victims, no, I'm talking about treating ourselves with gentleness and the knowledge that we are doing the best we can.

Self compassion allows us to gain self approval and acceptance rather than looking to others. This way you'll find all the self acceptance and approval from within. You won't let others define who you are. You'll do that yourself!

We are all capable of self compassion, all we have to do is allow ourselves to have it. No matter how down on yourself you may be at any time, thinking the words "loveable, gentle, innocent me" and right away you will begin to feel a change. Your brain can only process one thing at a time, so if you are thinking compassionate thoughts, you can't be thinking judgemental thoughts.

Alcohol is a stumbling block to improving your self esteem. It is a depressant and for the person with low self esteem, even moderate social drinking may have detrimental effects. It is the classic case of trying to blow up a balloon with a pin hole in it. Stay away from alcohol altogether.

You may hear the word "compassion" in our society, but sometimes it may be hard to find. We find ourselves quick to judge others and ourselves. We know we should not judge others but we do it and moreover, how rare is it to hear 'be compassionate with yourself'. It is almost socially unacceptable to show ourselves or others any kind of mercy or empathy. The plain truth is that we all have reasons for our behaviour and life circumstances. When we judge others we condemn ourselves and we unconsciously hold ourselves to those same high standards. "Stop judging and you will not be judged... Remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter in your brother's eye." Luke 7, 37-42

You may even judge yourself for having a lack of self esteem. You probably think other people are more important or better than you for this. You need to realize that you are capable of these thoughts and feelings like others and that you should congratulate yourself for getting by all these years with a lack thereof. Distortions like "other people are more important than me" need to come into our awareness and questioned. Ask yourself why you feel that way. Why do you think other people are better than you? You're not a bad person. Don't buy into societal views on worth. Money, looks, prestige, possessions do not increase one's self worth.

Self compassion is also self-pity. We tend to think of self-pity as a defective characteristic of ourselves, but the truth is, self-pity is very useful. It helps us to grieve. It can be a signal to take better care and protect ourselves. It helps us to gain insight which can motivate us to act. On the other hand, self-pity is destructive if we are expecting someone else to fix our problems without us lifting a finger to help ourselves. If you have suffered a loss (loss of self-esteem) and are taking responsibility for helping yourself, don't worry about feeling self-pity.

Self compassion helps to dissolve a lot of the anger you have been dealing with. It allows you to forgive yourself as well as others. You won't feel the need to be perfect around others and so you can let your guard down and not have to be so defensive, thinking you have to defend against all opinions and criticisms. It allows you to love yourself for who you are, a unique imperfect but loving individual. You may come to realize that the people or crowd you've been hanging around is bringing you down. You won't put up with situations or people who want to bring you down. A great burden is lifting from your shoulders, your coming out of the spotlight, the spotlight which is the microscope by which you analyzed and scrutinized yourself for so long. You may have felt like the weight of the world was on your shoulders because of your need for perfection. Your coming to the realization that you are a worthwhile person and your long distorted belief that other people are better than you was just a lie you heard over and over. These and other lies we learned from others when we were young, but now you can uncover any other distortions you tell yourself.

Compassion is said to be the epitome of self esteem. When you start to live your life compassionately, other aspects of your self with come together. You regain your identity, the identity which you have been denying. Interpersonal relationships are enhanced. Even job prospects are positively affected. Every aspect of your life is affected. You can be you - a unique and valuable person. You start to thrive!