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Self Compassion

Overcome Self-Hatred and Learn to Love Yourself

Self Esteem

Trying to function day to day with low self esteem is like trying to blow up a balloon with a pin hole in it. It is like moving one step forward then one step back. This can be changed. This site is going to focus on what you can do right now about overcoming low self esteem.

First of all, you have to give your mind a destination point. Without a destination who knows where you'll end up? Ask yourself 'What does it feel like to love and care about myself'?' Your mind over time will give you the answer. Ask this in prayer as it is God's will that you love yourself and others.

'What does it feel like to love and care about myself?' will be obscured right now but it will come into focus as time goes by. It will get easier!

People invariably mask their low self esteem by over compensating. Simply put: you think you need to be better than others to be a worthwhile person. You probably don't even know you're doing it because; a) you've been doing it so long, b) it happens so fast and automatic in your mind, c) you get a reward - you feel good for the moment, d) you are operating out of a false sense of yourself - a facade, and e) you're substituting loving and kind words for yourself with criticisms and judgments. And so the cycle continues.

The ultimate paradox: People who lack  self esteem, think they have to be great, powerful, strong, better, perfect..... The paradox is: that to love yourself, you do not have to be great. We have to strive to be humble yet not self-effacing. Confident and self-assured yet not cocky or arrogant. You have to concentrate on how HUMAN you are, how vulnerable you are, how innocent, lovable, pure, imperfect and average you are. These thoughts will seem scary to you because you think that being average, human and imperfect will confirm your worst nightmare which is the faulty perception that you are weak and lack self-worth. Thinking of yourself as innocent, pure and lovable may feel alien but if you allow it, you will come to realize that it is the real you, your natural state.

Stop comparing yourself to others. Each of us is unique both in person and in situation. Dr. Charles Whitman explains  “Others may be ahead of us because they had better models and got to practice more when they were young. Keep telling your child (your inner child) that he lacks skills because no one has taught them to him.” He often thinks that people have succeeded because of some “magical power.”

You also need to have compassion for yourself. It is the ability to have mercy on ourselves. Self compassion is understanding that our actions are based on the fact that we are trying to do the best we can to survive, that we are imperfect and that we have reasons for our behaviour. Self compassion allows us to stop judging ourselves based on this knowledge.

“But pray my children. God will hear you in a short time. My Son allows Himself to be moved by compassion.” (Blessed Mary's message - Pontmain, France, 1871)

What does self compassion feel like? Self compassion is having tender feelings; feelings of innocence and child-like love for yourself. When you concentrate on these feelings for yourself, it will start to grow.

Ultimately, you want to change the faulty beliefs that you are unworthy, bad and shameful. Erroneous beliefs you learned in childhood. Bringing these faulty beliefs into awareness and replacing them with more compassionate thoughts is the beginning of self-growth.

People who live a life of healthy self esteem lived markedly different lives from those who suffer low self esteem. There is only one thing that separates the two and that is NOT money, good looks, a good job, a perfect body etc. The only difference is that the person with a healthy sense of self is more compassionate with themselves. This allows them not to be as hard on themselves; to set realistic goals; to not live by unreasonable rules or expectations from others or themselves; to know that they don't need to win every time to feel good about themselves. It allows them to celebrate their own uniqueness. They are modest, humble people that know they don't have to prove anything to anybody to have self worth. This lackadaisical attitude does not make them lazy or inept, on the contrary, it puts less pressure on them so they are able to perform better. You see this is the paradox; people who suffer low self esteem are constantly trying to be better (over compensate) because deep down they feel like they are not good enough the way they are. Why don't you feel good enough? Are you really that bad? Of course you're not! Self compassion allows you to shed these high standards and recover your self esteem.

Remember, self compassion is thinking of yourself with child like love, gentleness, innocence and vulnerability. Self compassion is the best way to boost your self esteem and self worth. Now sit down and get comfortable, close your eyes and start to think loving thoughts about yourself. Repeat self compassionate statements like: “sweet, loveable, gentle, innocent me.” Repeat it. What images and feelings does it conjure up? Each time you do this exercise, it will get easier because you are training this area and pathway in the brain.

Self judgment and criticism will get in the way of self compassion. You need to be conscious of the criticisms and judgments you make about yourself. These have been so common and automatic for you that you probably don't even realize that your doing it. Whenever you start judging yourself, stop and substitute it with a self compassionate statement. You can write out a list of compassionate affirmations and memorize them. Use affirmations that work best for you.

Your inner child

We all have an inner child. It is the emotional, feelings part of us that is playful, child like and innocent etc. It is also referred to as our real self.  We develop a false self (also called ego) as a defense mechanism (self-protection) because of trauma or abuse.

We all need to hear from our inner child no matter how old we are. A simple analogy would be a parent  (the inner critic) who constantly criticizes his child  (inner child). After years of criticism, the child stops talking for fear of criticism. This results in the erosion of our identity, the need to please others and trying to get approval from others. We develop a false self (ego) that thinks it's protecting us from our real self- which is our feelings. The false self doesn't want to feel but we really do need to feel.

Many of us grew up with false beliefs about ourselves. Beliefs that we are bad, shameful, worthless and unimportant. These erroneous beliefs remain within us and poison our lives. We have to connect with that inner child (feelings) and learn to be a good parent to ourselves. The mistreatment we suffered as children and adolescents were not our faults.

Once you begin the process of re-parenting as it were, you will begin to recover your joy and spontaneity. A burden will be lifted.

“Amen, I say to you, unless you turn and become like children,  you will not enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3

Some individuals may think that being powerful comes from being tough or presenting with a cold exterior. Those individuals are living an ego-driven life.

True power comes from within. The power I'm talking about is self compassion and empathy for ourselves and others. Some people may think of this as weakness but there is true power in compassion. People that live their lives with empathy and compassion have an unshakeable confidence yet they are very humble.

You can't just go from self hate to self love. This is a process that will take time but like a snowball going down a hill gains momentum, so will self compassion. Go easy and stop judging yourself. Give yourself time. Learn self compassionate statements and concentrate on the feelings those statements create. Practice this! It gets easier as your brain relearns this forgotten emotion.

When we have feelings, especially strong feelings such as anger, rage, sadness and fear, it is our inner child trying to speak to us. There is a message in them. An unfulfilled need has gone uncared for. Listen to and ask what the inner child needs. Then act.

As previously mentioned, self esteem has got nothing to do with looks or money or prestige but everything to do with how we treat ourselves. It is our thoughts about ourselves that determine who we are.

Only your thoughts and feelings can influence you.

We are not our looks. Our physical appearance is not who we are. As St. James articulates, if you look in the mirror and then walk away; you forget what you look like a couple of minutes later? You cannot be critical of your body and expect to love yourself. Go easy on yourself.

Adolescence can be a time when we are especially hypersensitive and critical of our appearance and it is important to remember that we are not alone and that many others feel the same way we do. We may have people in our lives that are over critical of our appearance or we may also be trying desperately to “fit in.”  Don't let others define you or your reality.

We are responsible for treating ourselves with love and compassion. Some individuals are waiting around to get the love and approval they didn't receive from a parent or significant person in their lives. What you didn't get as a child from a parent or caretaker, you probably won't get as an adult. Don't wait around for somebody else to give you what you need. Yes, you can give yourself all the love you didn't receive from a parent. We grow up to be our own parents anyway.

We must not try to deny that we are vulnerable. Our vulnerability is what makes us human. We are all imperfect beings, trying to find our way in this world. There is real suffering in the world. Treat yourself with gentleness and the knowledge that you are doing the best you can.

Self compassion allows us to gain self approval and acceptance rather than looking to others. This way we'll find all the self acceptance and approval we need, from within. You won't let others define who you are. You'll do that yourself! Keep in mind that there is a healthy balance between self acceptance and the approval of others. No one is an island.

Your brain can only process one thing at a time; you can't think a compassionate and judgmental thought at the same time.

Alcohol is a stumbling block to improving self esteem. It is a depressant and for the person with low self esteem, even moderate, social drinking may have detrimental effects. It is the classic case of trying to blow up a balloon with a pin hole in it. Stay away from illegal drugs and alcohol altogether.

You may hear the word “compassion” in our society, but oftentimes it may be hard to find. We know we should not judge others but we do it. And how rare is it to hear “be compassionate with yourself?” It seems almost unacceptable to show ourselves any kind of mercy. The plain truth is that we all have reasons for our behaviour and life circumstances. On the flip side, when we judge others we condemn ourselves and unconsciously hold ourselves to those same high standards.

 “Stop judging and you will not be judged...  Remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter in your brother's eye.” Luke 7, 37-42

You may think other people are more important or socially adept. But if you are lacking in an area, it's all the more reason to be compassionate with yourself. You need to realize that you are capable of these thoughts and feelings like others and that you should congratulate yourself for getting by all these years with a lack thereof. Distortions like “other people are more important than me” need to come into our awareness and questioned. Ask yourself why you feel that way. Why do you think other people are better than you? You're not a bad person.      

Don't buy into societal views on worth.  Money, looks, prestige, possessions do not increase one's self worth.

Jesus was born among the poor to show us that true riches are found in him.*

Is self compassion self-pity? We tend to think of self-pity as a defective characteristic, but the truth is, self-pity is very useful. It allows us to grieve. It enables us to take better care and  protect ourselves, to reach out and ask for help when we need it. It can also help us to gain insight which can motivate us to act. If you have suffered a loss and are taking responsibility for helping yourself, don't worry about feeling self-pity.

Self compassion allows us to relax. It  frees up of energy. Self hatred takes up a lot of energy. You won't feel the need to be perfect around others - you can let your guard down and not have to be so defensive, thinking you have to defend against the next attack. It allows you to love yourself for who you are, a unique imperfect but loving individual.

You may come to realize that the people or crowd you've been hanging around is bringing you down. You won't put up with situations or people who want to bring you down. A great burden is lifting from your shoulders, your coming out of the spotlight, the microscope by which you analyzed and scrutinized yourself for so long. You may have felt like the weight of the world was on your shoulders. Your coming to the realization that you are a worthwhile person and your long distorted belief that other people are better than you was just a lie. These and other lies were learned from others when you were young, and now you can uncover any other distortions about yourself.

Compassion is said to be the epitome of self esteem. When you start to live your life compassionately, other aspects of your self with begin to integrate. You'll regain your identity. Interpersonal relationships are enhanced. Even job prospects are improved. Every aspect of your life is affected. You can be you - a unique and valuable person!

Summary:  

To improve self-esteem:

Good Luck and God Bless!

W. McDonald

learning to forgive others | rest for the weary | kids help phone | self-worth

*Ref: Fr. Kevin Scallon C.M c.d. The Rosary.